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The Official Jokes and Funnies Thread

#1
Alright lady and gents, post you funnies here.

P.S. Dakota mentioned doing this in the other thread. So I was in the process of moving and editing that one to use and I some how deleted the whole thread. So sorry for that.Confusedlap: Here's a new slate...
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#2
It's a repeat but must be added back. Our very own fle....fumbles!
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#3
A Daring New Positio

Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the
couch and drink beer and fart!

Girl Friend

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front
door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder,
rubbing her eyes and says."

Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob
himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"


Say What!

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and
searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to
worry.

"Is this your husband?"

he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?"

demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

DADDY DADDY!

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy
and a cunt?"

The dad says, "No, I cant tell you that! You're too young!" The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."

So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother
is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any
panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see that? That's a pussy!" The son asks,
"Oooo! Can I pat it?"

The father reply's, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"
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#4
One-armed Jock
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."


Inner Peace
Your Ad HereBy following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have
never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house
this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a
bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner Peace

Three Priests And The Railroad Ticket Clerk
Your Ad HereThere were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the
ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in
embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg."
Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would
like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in
nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the
pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Doing the dishes
Your Ad HereA man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon
prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates
clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black
specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater
can get them,
now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who
was lying on
the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater,
get your butt out of the way!"

Never Anger Your Nurse
Your Ad HereA bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to
take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking
past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat
said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other
shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was
landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

If I Die

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf
clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

the job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M,
"And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your
salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said,
"Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


To cheer your day!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
_____

A man suspecting his wife was seeing another man hired a famous Chinese dective named Chen Lee. Chen Lee was
hired to watch and report any activites while the husband was gone.

A few days later the husband recieved this report :


Most honourable Sir

You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I no see
No fee

Chen Lee


the dirty priest

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he
started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, RIGHT? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is
almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative??
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think education is difficult, try
being stupid!!!!!!!!!!!


I've Got A Stammer

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once
broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the
girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."


Psychics


Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story
of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want
to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


wendy

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his
love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo
spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's
room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he
says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work
for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

the bumble bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the
bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh
my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a
moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his
wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it
into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the
bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After
a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a
bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she
shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you
think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bugger!!"


bill gates dies
...Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity.
You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be
generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then
takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her
face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the
corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he
bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t…”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows Vista!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”




breaking news

In 2009 the government will start killing

all the mentally ill people.



I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little friend, run!


MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and

your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully

and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.

It doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep

or before the beep or after the beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,

hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.

You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is

National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering

to contact at least

one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)



Bad Day On The Golf Course


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the
ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all
together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says,
"You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

100 nuns

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"


older woman

Older Woman

'I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place with her.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake


two nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us
both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he
could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!



Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.

I'm too fat to get into my work pants.

A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car
from her house.

I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.

Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.

Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that
nobody was around to let him out.

I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.

Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.

Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.

I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.

One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.

Employee's mother was in jail.

My wheelchair broke down.

God didn't wake me.

A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.

Employee had a bad case of hiccups.

It's way too cold outside to leave the house.

It's way too nice outside to be in the office.

I had race tickets for Sunday's race, which was rained out, so they are running it today.

Employee blew his nose so hard that his back went out.

Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.

Employee was hit by a bus while walking.

Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.

My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in.

Employee was sad.

My cow bit me.

Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.

Employee had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers.I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.

A hit man was looking for me.

The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.

I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

I forgot I was getting married today.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

I'm too drunk to drive to work.

My monkey died.



ufo

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed
completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one
side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young
blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"


blonde nun


One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend
you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for
nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde
jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely
there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."


horseback cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand
new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says,
"Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to
issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off
says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop
says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse,
instead of on top."


wild nuns

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so
slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something
terrible."

The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Botched Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon
comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.

"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."

"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.

"But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they
weren't malignant."


Oceans of Beer

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to
inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed
and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the
water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They
grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "O.K., so you freed me from the stupid
lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out." You
guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here, so make it a good one."

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna
have to pee in the boat!"


With Best Friend

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the
dumps".

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day
off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation
like that?"

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
<CENTER>[Image: ElliottC666.png]
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#5
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Reply

#6
Stickyone Wrote:Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

can you add to the storage capacity with an S-DD card?
cheesy, I know... that's how I roll.
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<center>"It's not about right and left, it's about right and wrong" - Glenn Beck<center>
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